like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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