i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You pole danced in your parka.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
