My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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