i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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