just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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