Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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