Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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