best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
