She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
