I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
