how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
