My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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