i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
