hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
