dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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