that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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