If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
