I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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