Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
