I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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