I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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