It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Green mimosas i think yes
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
