My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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