CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
