i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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