If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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