She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
