His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
