my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
