Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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