A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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