I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
