maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Farmville is her only friend.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
