So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize