Kiss
Puke
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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