just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
me + whiskey = a bad person
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize