I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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