you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
