I was born with a shot glass in my hand
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
