I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
