I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
