so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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