Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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