I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
