you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
