My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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