and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize