The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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