I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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