I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
