now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
