Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
