he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize