Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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