I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
