I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
