you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
