I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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