What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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