if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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