I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I bet he comes in French.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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