i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
