Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
