So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
