I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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