when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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